Have you ever caught yourself running a loop of internal questions when you’re stressed, hurt, or stuck?
- “Why is this happening to me?”
- “How could they treat me like this?”
- “Can I live like this?”
In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), pioneered by psychologist Albert Ellis, we learn that our emotional distress doesn’t come directly from outside events, but from the rigid beliefs we hold about those events.
When an automatic thought sneaks into your mind disguised as a question, it’s rarely genuine curiosity. More often, it’s a disguised demand, a subtle way of dodging an uncomfortable truth you already know, but aren’t quite ready to say out loud.
The Disguise of the Question
Why do our minds frame hard truths as questions? Because a question creates distance.
A direct statement requires ownership. If you think, “This situation is unacceptable and I need to walk away,” you now have to deal with the reality of that decision. It demands action, boundary-setting, or facing a difficult confrontation.
A question, on the other hand, allows you to hover in the comfortable safe zone of uncertainty. Asking a question feels like you’re analyzing or researching. It lets you play the victim of circumstances rather than taking responsibility as an active decision-maker.
Unmasking Three Common Questions
In REBT, we look at questions not as puzzles to solve, but as signals of irrational belief patterns like Demandingness, Awfulizing, and Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT).
Here is what you’re really saying when three common questions echo in your head:
“Why is this happening to me?”
- The Disguise: It sounds like a search for a logical or philosophical explanation.
- The Hidden Demand: “This SHOULD NOT be happening to me! Life must be fair, and it’s terrible that it isn’t.”
- The Truth You Already Know: Life isn’t inherently fair, bad events happen without a grand reason, and there is no universal rule protecting you from hardship. You already know the “why” which is stuff happens. The real task is accepting reality so you can figure out what to do next.
“How could they treat me like this?”
- The Disguise: It sounds like absolute shock or genuine confusion over someone’s actions.
- The Hidden Demand: “People MUST treat me with respect and kindness at all times, and it is catastrophic when they don’t.”
- The Truth You Already Know: Human beings are fallible, flawed, and often act out of their own insecurity or bad coping mechanisms. You aren’t actually confused about how they could do it…they just did. What you’re avoiding is admitting that you cannot control other people, only how you choose to respond to them.
“Can I live like this?”
- The Disguise: It sounds like a genuine assessment of your endurance or survival limits.
- The Hidden Demand: “I CANNOT STAND this for another second! It MUST change immediately, but I’m too terrified of the risk/discomfort of changing it.”
- The Truth You Already Know: Yes, you can live like this, you’re living like this right now. Humans can tolerate immense amounts of discomfort. What you’re actually saying is: “I severely dislike living like this, and I need to decide if I’m willing to endure the discomfort of making a change.”
How to Move from Questions to Answers
If you want to break the loop of automatic questioning, try using these three REBT-inspired steps:
1. Turn the Question into an Unvarnished Statement
Strip away the dramatic dressing and state the situation as an objective fact.
- Change “Can I live like this?” to “I am currently tolerating a situation I strongly dislike, and I am choosing to stay out of fear.” Notice how that shifts you out of helplessness and back into the driver’s seat.
2. Dispute the “Musts” and “Shoulds”
Ask yourself: Where is it written that this situation MUST be different right now? Reality is always going to win against your “shoulds.” Accepting that things are as they are doesn’t mean you approve of them—it just stops you from wasting energy throwing an emotional temper tantrum against reality.
3. Challenge Your “I Can’t Stand It”
Remind yourself: “I don’t like this, but I can tolerate it while I work on a solution.” When you realize that discomfort won’t break you, the fear of making a hard choice begins to melt away.
Stop Asking, Start Deciding
The next time an automatic question loops through your mind, stop treating it like a mystery. Treat it like a message from the part of you that already knows the answer, but is just waiting for the rest of you to catch up.
The hardest truths aren’t the ones we don’t know…they’re the ones we keep framing as questions so we don’t have to answer them.